work.yeah....

work.yeah. i'm sinking again. wheee. i figured my detachment wouldn't last. after all, it is a falsehood. can't be expected to.my body hurts a little.. i didn't have time to juice this morning and i forgot to bring any bottled water.. bahmy ram should be in today. this is good. maybe then i can start installing all that software.. i need to go through and clean out some stuff on my pc though. and rearrange and organize, or it will drive me batty.feeling mildly insecure today, but it's being overshadowed by other emotions.. i've lost a little weight, but i haven't been working out other than going walking/jogging with cat. i need to start doing some strength training again. i just don't.. want to. but i at least need to do butt thingies cause it just isn't cool. hehe.i decided (i think) that once catherine leaves, i'm going to start taking a martial art, like i have always wanted to do. i just have to figure out which style, and where to take it. i pretty much already know i want to take tang soo do. it's more aggressive than defensive, which definitely suits my temperament. at least for my fighting style, anyway. but i need to find a good place, where i will like the instructors. i hate authority in any form, and i am not good at taking orders except from the right person. if i get bad vibes, you can forget it. so, i'll need to like the people and environment i'm in to be successful at that. also, i need to find someone who understands about my female condition and is willing to work with me on that. it doesn't act up much, but when it does, i will have to be able to take a time out. and there are probably certain exercises i wouldn't be able to do, if i'm expected to be able to walk later. so, we'll see..right now though, i am wanting to work on music pretty bad.. i wish my stuff was all set up. gotta get back in that mode again. it's not going to fix itself.speaking of fix, my car's getting worked on today.. again. poor thing has been broken since i went to denver, which has been almost 2 months. 2 months. ..2 months? seems like 2 years, since everything got so fucked. now i have to go, because people are coming in here. people, who i am not supposed to have to deal with at all. it would be SO FUCKING NICE IF MY COWORKER WAS EVER, EVER HERE.

sigh.

i am getting really sick of hearing myself whine.but, what to do? this is how i feel. until i can find a way to readjust or block, or something changes, whatever. i just have to be honest with myself. lying to myself wouldn't do any good. i'd still feel the same underneath; it would still resurface.and i also have to give myself a break, i suppose. i mean it hasn't even been a month since this shit unofficially went down, and only 2 weeks since it officially did.so yeah... that's ok i guess. if i am still feeling this way after 2 months, now that is different.. something needs to have changed by then, internally or externally or both.. but 2 weeks? yeah i think i'm actually doing exceptionally well. so, i will continue to bitch then. hehehe.i miss him a whole lot, in all ways. that's really all there is to it.next week is going to hurt, hurt, hurt.that is all. byebye.

heh.

another good quote, from

lame.

this is the best quote i've heard in a while:evilpuppie: learn that some forms of patience will require you to transcend your own sanity.i'm LEARNING, i'm LEARNING!@$!@$!THE LEARNING NEEDS TO HURRY UP THOUGHhahahahahha fuck

ok. yep.it's o...

ok. yep.it's official.this situation is NOT okay.it feels fucking ridiculous and wrong.wrong, wrong, WRONG. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, FOR FUCKSAKES.....that is all.

whew.

..that's some bad shit right there.brett's right. the black does represent evil.some sort of hellish fury arose in me earlier. guess it was about time.

my body feels ...

my body feels like shit.time to stop fucking around.