sigh.

i am getting really sick of hearing myself whine.but, what to do? this is how i feel. until i can find a way to readjust or block, or something changes, whatever. i just have to be honest with myself. lying to myself wouldn't do any good. i'd still feel the same underneath; it would still resurface.and i also have to give myself a break, i suppose. i mean it hasn't even been a month since this shit unofficially went down, and only 2 weeks since it officially did.so yeah... that's ok i guess. if i am still feeling this way after 2 months, now that is different.. something needs to have changed by then, internally or externally or both.. but 2 weeks? yeah i think i'm actually doing exceptionally well. so, i will continue to bitch then. hehehe.i miss him a whole lot, in all ways. that's really all there is to it.next week is going to hurt, hurt, hurt.that is all. byebye.

heh.

another good quote, from

lame.

this is the best quote i've heard in a while:evilpuppie: learn that some forms of patience will require you to transcend your own sanity.i'm LEARNING, i'm LEARNING!@$!@$!THE LEARNING NEEDS TO HURRY UP THOUGHhahahahahha fuck

ok. yep.it's o...

ok. yep.it's official.this situation is NOT okay.it feels fucking ridiculous and wrong.wrong, wrong, WRONG. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, FOR FUCKSAKES.....that is all.

whew.

..that's some bad shit right there.brett's right. the black does represent evil.some sort of hellish fury arose in me earlier. guess it was about time.

my body feels ...

my body feels like shit.time to stop fucking around.

i just d...

i just don't know.right now i am not feeling too well.i was ok earlier.i float back and forth. i'm very grateful for some things and very upset and unsatisfied about others.lonliness is getting to me at the moment, and the realization of the time factor of certain things.yuck. yuck. yuck. what a fucking ripoff. :)

i'm...

i'm gonna repost a modified version of the last entry from my old journal that i killed off. it's even more appropriate now....ok.can someone please tell meWHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK!?@!?@?!???1

some small bit of comfort.

currrrses....

currrrses.i cannot get my motu to work. even after following the stuff on the support section of their site.guess i am going to have to call tech support next week. i hate calling tech support. it's a defeat. i should be able to figure this out myself. but i'm too tired to worry with it anymore tonight. and i'm too messed up in other ways to be stubborn.so yeah..next...i should start installing software tonight, but i am really fucking useless it seems. i'm tired tired. i will probably just veg out the rest of the night. maybe tomorrow i'll have more energy.i'm hoping to go see cat tomorrow night. i haven't walked in a few days and so i feel fat. and i'm definitely retaining water. so that needs to go.mmyep. that's about it.. things are still absolute shit :)

oh god i love ...

oh god i love this song.one day the wind will come up, and you'll come up empty again.. and who'll be laughing then?you'll come up empty again..on the ricochet.. it's gonna hit you.. it's always funny until someone gets hurt..you can laugh at me when it misses you.. patton = geniuson another note, i put the black streak back in. sorry brett.it was time.

..is it you?

i forgot how much i love this song.

....

my mood keeps getting worse.i'm over the initial shock of the situation. now it's just a dull ache.scratch that. it's a ROARING FUCKING ACHE.but i am getting more and more angry.. and not at him. just angry about this whole thing and how fucked and ridiculous it is.i miss him horribly and he's starting to seem unreal. everything is fading, and while some would say that should help me, it does not. no, it just makes me angrier and sicker. it's not right. someone you've spent so much time with, and been with, and fucking slept next to, should not feel like a stranger.and i keep waiting for him to contact me, and i dread it at the same time. it's only been a week and a couple days, but it seems like forever, and this is sheer hell.fuck everything.

Starting over, our bond is severed..

And i'm wounded forever, from this endeavor.mmyep.ruined.2003-06-15 18:10:14Fuck you, minions of fate.if i fail by my own design, i fail honorably. and i can at least respect myself in the end. i am no coward.and you, trying to break me. you can't. so i failed, honorably. do i respect myself? yes. am i broken? yes.